Wednesday, November 25, 2015

an experiment in authenticity

hello, internet.

I struggle with blogging. I know I've said this a million times, and I suspect that most people really don't care, because I am quite certain that most people do not actually read my blog. In fact, I'm pretty sure there are exactly three people who read my blog.

[...hi, grandpa]

What you might not know, if you are one of those three people, is that for every post you've seen on here, there are approximately a hundred more that never get written. I just did the math, and I have exactly 74 posts on my blog -- 75 if you count this one, which I hope will actually be going up. And there are 102 drafts on my archive. and there are a million and three aborted drafts lost in my brain.

There is a very real possibility that this post will never be read. There is a very real possibility that I will never share it, for the same reason I never shared any of the others. Because

Somewhere deep down in the core of my being, I firmly believe this. I believe that everyone who is reading this blog post 'right now,' in this abstract unit of time known only to writers and the mentally unstable which comprises EVERY SINGLE MOMENT in which anyone could POSSIBLY be reading my work, everyone is judging me. I hear your voices in my head: Oh, puleease, staaaahhhp. When are you going to realize, nobody cares? I am mentally writing to an audience of constant eye rolls and bored texting.

Actually, now that I think about it, I am mentally writing to a mass-produced audience of middle schoolers.

But, for some reason, I keep writing.

And I'm not going to quit.

And so if you are one of those non-imaginary people who is actually reading this, right now, in any moment in time ... this is for you.

hello. my name is sarah.

i have monsters in my brain.

i would like to be your friend.

please, let me know if you are human too.

dysfunctionally yours,


  1. Hi Sarah. *waves* just so you know, I read every single one of your blog posts. I never comment because I never really comment on anything. But for this I just wanted to say that I'm here, and I feel like that too. I just started up my blog and there's a fear that no one will read.. but there's also a hope that no one will read. You inspire me to write. I love reading your blogs. Keep trucking. I love you. :)

    1. <3 that makes you person number two?

      blogging is hard, basically all I have to say. This post was unnecessarily pessimistic about that, and I kind of really regret writing it -- it seems like too much of my blog commentary dwells on negative things, and I really need to change that, because my life is FULL of the positive. But I won't delete it, because I'm hoping that someday my blog will be a happy, thriving place, and that only really counts if I leave up all its history, the posts I regret and the posts I don't. Love you. Thanks for being my friend.

  2. I AM human too. Even if I post as anonymous because I am busily completing your birthday present and I can't take the time to log out as Erik and log back in as me. :) I do feel somewhat horrified that one of your regular followers at the time you wrote this was not your mother.


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