THE WALL

Okay, I admit it.

I have hit THE WALL.

It's that point when you look at your WIP and you say ... "Oh, ice. What have I done?" (At least, you say that if you're me. Because I, uh, pick up some in-world language from my characters.) And then? Then you put your head on the keyboard and cry. That wild, intoxicating rush that Horizons once was.

It's gone. And I can't help but feel like it's gone forever. How did I do this, I ask myself. How did I manage to dig myself such a deep hole while writing so joyously?

The truth is, I was ignoring the problems. I should have noticed when that one thread started to feel a little awkward. I should have realized that I couldn't wait to get away from my MC, and I should have fixed the problem right then. But I didn't. And now I have 15,000 wasted words that I need to replace with new ones.

Okay, that looks really pathetic written out like that. But it is DEVASTATING. Perhaps it's that I'm ill, or that I have the constant stress of school looming over my head, but lately every word feels like it's being wrenched from my brain with a ... wrench, probably. What else is good for wrenching?

I don't think I've ever felt this discouraged by my writing. I'm so discouraged, in fact, that I did NOTHING today -- or I guess it's yesterday now. Despite my many looming self-imposed deadlines, I spent the whole day checking my Facebook and catching up on other people's blogs. And chatting with crit partners/best friends, because honestly? That IS what keeps me alive right now. (Warmth knows I can't eat enough food to do the job.) (One of these crit partners, by the way, is reading the climax of Sarawen AS I WRITE THIS. And it's 3:30 AM her time. And she has triplet babies to help care for. I am awed by the awesomeness of Lisa.) (Also, I freaking love her to pieces. Although that seems a little violent for someone who is going on 4 hours of sleep for me. For the second time in ... what is it? A week?)

So yeah. I am at the point where random shadows on the wall seem to say 'You suck. Your writing sucks. You are never going to be anything close to anything.' (And even my evil voices don't usually say 'suck', because I have a particular grudge against that word.) Getting through these next weeks ... well, it's not going to be fun.

But at the same time, I am so lucky. No, I'm not lucky. I'm BLESSED. And when I find myself starting to complain ... I'll probably keep complaining. But I won't for one second forget how wonderful my life is. Even when I hate it.

Life is wonderful. You are all wonderful. Please don't let me forget.

Cough Cough

So, I didn't go to school today. I haven't had to for a whole week. You might expect that I've written, I dunno ... twenty or thirty thousand words in that time?

Nope. Not even close. Total is closer to 6k.

That's cause I'm sick. My head is pounding, my nose is running, and my coughing sounds like a rabid wolf is caught in my throat. These are not conditions conducive to writing, people! Especially when I'm still unable to chew after jaw surgery. To top it all off, Horizons is being difficult. I think it's caught my illness ... or maybe something different, as it seems to be throwing up regularly. I'm frantically scrubbing off the vomit and trying to fix the problems, but it's SO FRUSTRATING.

SO VERY FRUSTRATING.

On the bright side, I just gained a new crit partner. (Or rather, I entrusted an established crit partner with Sarawen.) And she is awesome. Awesome enough to stay up until 4am reading. That might be all that keeps me moving forward right now. What would we ever do without friends?

Anyway, I have no mental energy. So again, I am turning to a snippet from my book. (Sarawen, this time.) I hope this makes enough sense out of context for SOMEBODY to laugh at it.

"Are you ... Did you just ask me to marry you?"
"No!" he blurted. "I ... I asked you to consider ... it."


Drat. That was much funnier in context. I'll leave it anyway. I've got urgent matters to attend to. You know -- Cough, sniffle, blow nose, repeat ...

HIGH SCHOOL

This is it, people. I am officially in HIGH SCHOOL.

As in, I'm not just studying HIGH SCHOOL subjects at home. I get up in the morning. I get ready. I go to the school building, where I am surrounded by teenagers, most of whom I don't know.

And I have a locker.

I confess, these things all freaked me out at first. It wasn't the number of people around me ... I can take those sorts of crowds in situations I'm used to. Part of it was the realization that I was starting school a few weeks into the year, having skipped a year in many of my subjects. But it was mostly the unfamiliarity of it all. I had no idea what I was doing, and I was terrified of doing something wrong.

I'm happy to report that those fears are under control now. I haven't cried in two days. I haven't thought 'Oh-my-goodness-I-can't-do-this-I-should-just-go-hide' since yesterday morning. And I seem to have mastered the art of opening my locker. I now do that at every opportunity.

I wonder when the novelty will wear off. I hope never. I could use a little wonder in my school-day.

One thing that's been hit hard by my return to school is Horizons. Poor baby only got 600 words yesterday. My brain was just too overwhelmed to produce more. But I've done 400 words today, and I've got the rest of the afternoon to add to that, so maybe I'll be back to normal soon. Maybe. If not ... there's always the weekends.

Weekends meaning Saturday. Because I don't write on Sundays.

And on Saturday, I have chores.

OKAY, I AM GOING TO STOP THAT LINE OF THINKING RIGHT NOW. THAT MEANS THE END OF THIS BLOG POST. GOODBYE.

2 Weeks Post-Op

I have survived. The worst is behind me ... or at least, I hope it is.

The last two weeks have been rough. I have cried and bled and taken pictures. I have lost weight. Maybe ten pounds. Maybe more. (My bathroom scale isn't all that reliable. This morning, it told me I weigh a whopping total of 0.00 lbs. Yippee!) (NOT. I was only 127 lbs to begin with. That seems like a good weight to me. Besides, I miss food. A lot.)

On the bright side, I'm completely off painkillers and able to sleep most of the night. The wounds are healing well, according to my orthodontist. The swelling is almost all gone. So is the bruising, except for one dark spot on my throat. (No idea what happened there.) My bite is wonderful. Strange, but wonderful.

And Horizons is 60,000 words. My record for words-written-in-a-day? Ten thousand and four.

Am I pleased? Yes, I am pleased. Am I sane?

Um ... More ice cream? Yes, I would like some more ice cream, please.

Catching Up

First, a few pictures!

Me, morning of August 31. (Happy Birthday, Lizard-beth!)

My bruising, evening of August 31. I wore the sickly

yellow shirt to match, of course.

So late on September 1 that it was technically September 2.

Really September 2. As you can see, the swelling went 

back up a little overnight. Yes, the deer-in-the-headlights

look is intentional.

September 3, and the swelling is holding steady.

So is the bruising.

Now here I am, sitting on the couch, staring at the

headlights of my laptop right before it runs me over.

The marks where it ran me over, duh.

So that should give you an idea of what's been happening with my jaw. It's healing well enough, though I have trouble sleeping at night. I'm trying to keep my head elevated, which means I have to prop myself up with pillows to sleep. And with the jaw pain, it's hard to lie on my side. I never sleep on my back. So sleeping is probably the hardest part.

And eating. Eating stinks. But my wonderful parents bought me some of the taboo flavoured oatmeal packages, so I can whip myself up a meal in as much time as it takes to boil water. That helps.

On the bright side, I WROTE 31K THIS WEEK!!! (Breaking my words-in-a-day record. TWICE.) I am so in love with this book. More in love than I was with Sarawen. Maybe it's because it's a sequel, and I already have the plot mapped out in my brain. Maybe it's because I'm a better writer. Whatever it is, I am rejoicing as a strong man to run a race. Minus the sweaty icky parts. Plus sleep-deprivation. But, you know. It's a simile, so anything goes.

Also, I had my first post-op appointment on Thursday. Everything is going great. Wounds are clean and healing well. Yay! I got to see x-rays of the hardware in my head. It was pretty sweet. I'll see if I can scan one for you guys soon.